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 Poetry.

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PostSubject: Poetry.   Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:05 pm

Put any poetry that you have written on here, receive constructive critisism and just be veiwed. What a Face
I'll start with this.

The Mirror

The sparkling diamond twinkles so,
But a jewel is not for you
As my heart is a mirror, clear and true,
Reflecting the present like a pool of glittering water.

I give this to you, I beg you don’t break it,
As it has been broken before into a myriad of shining shards.
Yet it will show you are, and what you will become in my embrace.

Only love can be but for an instant,
Then vanished, long forgotten in the cloudy vat of history,
As my mirror is not a photograph and none may be consistent.

Still take care for this pane of glass
Let it’s images guide you, as I will,
Forever I hope.

Then maybe it will be as strong as my heart will grow,
And shining shards will not fall to the carpet,
Cutting into your flesh,
Creating crude, crimson droplets of blood that I’d cry every day.

So take care of my heart,
Look into it often,

To see the truth of everything’s beauty laid out before you.



It's only a love poem but... I love you
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sun Jul 04, 2010 1:06 pm

I like how much detail is put into every line,
did you write it?
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sun Jul 04, 2010 1:54 pm

i need help with this poem because, well basiclly it sucks so.

i see no end,
the waves so agile so different, so strange
the seagull flys looks down, even just slightly,
the seagull goes no different in mind,
a flash of lightning, sudden and quick,
the waves re-assemble change,
rise, higher clatter no end.

a shot of shine shoots,
a fish so dashing,
bewilded, knowledge unknown,
straight through the waves non-stop,
a clashing waves come down,
fish no more, no more i see,

the sun i'd failed to see sets,
colour flows out the picture,
no yellow the seas become less certain,
the sun has gone, no sun there is.

nothing, nothing but sea,
sea so plain, glimmer i fail to see,
no change but vicous waves,
the tide comes in,
i see the end.



Sxxx

MONSTER LUNEY PARTY
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sun Jul 04, 2010 2:00 pm

Well as I've already said I'm not exactly an expert on poetry but it looks like it needs more meaning to mean I mean it's okay but personally I like it when you really can tell how the authur is feeling and the emotions happy or sad are obvious the best advice I can give you is just keep working on it you'll have a eurika! moment dont worry!

Ben Smith.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sun Jul 04, 2010 3:39 pm

@Ben- Yes I did write it.
MonsterLP- Your poem is beautiful, it's the point of your poem to have hidden meanings, it's the riddle of it that makes it so beautiful. Try to use capital letters ect... in your writing though.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Jul 07, 2010 5:10 pm

Hi just felt like commenting really Very Happy but ur poems are both great!!
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:30 pm

beauty

I wrote this when I was pretty mad so...
Can you please comment on this poem.


Beauty can not allways be seen,
Beauty is on the inside,
Beauty isn't just the crust of the earth,
It's something that you earn,
It's not not something that you're born with.

From this people can learn,
Yet they refuse to see this,
They are themselves trapped in a dream world,
People buy these obnoxious products,
To change, who they are,
These people are ones of no charecter,
Who define themselves on what they look like,
For crying out loud!
These people were not once Medusa,
Not Athena did she do this; but themselves,
They are self-destructive,
They are a ticking time bomb.

Who knows no limits?

When they change what they look like,
They change themselves!!
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:36 pm

As I said before, it's beautiful, I love the riddles and the mystery in which it is portrayed.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:13 pm

yeh, so i'll go and kinda ruin the moment with a nonsence poem!
the begining is rubish so ignor it please.

please mr ploice man


The human race,
We’re quite a laugh.
Being kidnapped by a giraffe
Having tea with a psychopath.

We’d drown in a desert,
Get heat stroke in the snow.
But at any sign of danger,
There’s only one way we know…

‘‘Please Mr police man,
Bring all of you crew,
There’s an ant on the chair
And I don’t know what to do!”

‘‘Oh Mr police man,
Our life’s on the line!
Dear Alfred here,
Ground the cumin to fine!’’

‘‘Dear Mr police man,
Oh, what a fate!
Every single cake I own
Is an hour out of date!’’

‘‘Oh Mr police man,
TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Should I wear yellow?
Or should I ware blue?

‘’em, Mr police man?
Please tell me I am sain.
The people on the telly,
Are moving again!’’

And the police man answered,
‘’Your problems can be cleared,
buy new cake and cumin,
and ants aren’t to be feared.’’

‘’so if there’s any danger,
do call me, I’m all ears.
But please don’t ring up bothering me,
With silly little fears.’’

‘’oh and Mr police man?
Some robbers came to day,
I gave them all the valuables,
And a piece of cherry cake.’’






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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:21 pm

Well I don't need to comment Cat hire (I'm calling you this now) as I've heard it, but it's very good. As you know...
I'll post some more soon, but not now as I'm tired and can't remember what I've put.

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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:36 pm

thinkyou ... your hands dont work.



now they do.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:09 pm

*Folds arms*

Some gratitude...
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:32 pm

indeed.
hey, youre hands stoped working again!



now there fine.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:43 pm

It doesn't work anymore...
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:53 pm

oh. shame.
and by the way, flute guy had just sewn youre mouth together, and to free it you must troke the dog.
hopefully.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Tue Sep 21, 2010 8:08 pm

Ha, almost worked, but I broke it.

Perhaps you should try some of sweet Alice's inductions.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Sep 29, 2010 6:41 pm

Death

I once saw Death,
he was hiding behind a tree.
With one long finger,
pointing straight at me.

Fear not young child,
for today I come for another.
But tomoroww is another matter,
but alas we must not dwell on that yet.

I'm really not sure about this I don't like the second paragraph only the first what do you think?



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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:01 pm

Hmmm, well it's good, but it would be better if the second stanza rhymed.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:43 pm

or if the first staza diden't.
it's got a very dark feel about it, and almost morbidly humerouse....
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PostSubject: poem.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:45 pm


Griffin

I lay beneath the earth bound trees,
This light-defying canopy.
A blot against consistency
Against the snow so pure,
It would come, and I was sure.

From the moors,
I heard a cawing,
Bold against the wind a-roaring
And the ice that hung the branches, thawing,
Danger, still the lure.
It would come, and I was sure.

The moon hung pinned against the sky,
The stars the tears it once did cry.
The ice that held the air was mine,
The frost upon the floor.
Dawn made wait forever more.
It would come, and I was sure.

Again, the cawing of that crow
Through the blizzard-ous fall of the mid-night snow.
Death to silence brought below.
The screaming of the very air
Its burning, fierce and ice like stare.
It stood, the beast, the griffin.

A hell sent beast, no common rate,
Its eyes, it seemed, so filled with hate,
That only nature could create.
Feathered red and skinned in gold,
The lion still and the eagle bold,
The way made, the heart of the griffin.

Burning cinders conscience be,
‘The wind may cease to blow’.
For the inkling nay but tether,
Leave me bound be sense forever,
And I surly must endeavour,
To expel the saying ‘no’.

Up through the wind and the mid-night snow,
Skimming the ice on the lake below.
I never thought dreams could be so,
Then the griffin did come hither.
We fly free, as a reed on the river.























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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:45 pm

hey, look the colour fialy works!
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:34 pm

That is a brilliant poem.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:39 pm

thank you, but it did not win the compatiotion (grrr)

now some drawings, from sarah...

. queen
../lll\.sarah
_/lll\_


:lol!:
........llll
........== mob leader.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:40 pm

Ahem...

The 'lol's are illegal.
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry.   Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:58 pm

sarah did it, plus he is leading a mob against 'LOL's
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